I’ll Stop On Monday

The first time I took cocaine I felt I had arrived, for so many years I had felt disconnected from the world, I never quite felt like I fitted.

I took my first line and just knew I had found what I had been searching for, for so very long, the buzz, the power, the confidence, the feeling of being part of had arrived. I had arrived! The next 5 years were to prove the only place I was going to arrive was the bottom of a pile of self-pity, resentment, selfishness, anger, loneliness and a shit load of fear.

The using got progressively more regular, it went from special occasions to just at weekends, then midweek parties then to any day with a “Y” in it. I would constantly lie about my using, my wife was convinced she was going mad, I would deny everything, lie about everything, and convince anyone that it “wasn’t me”

The dreaded time had come when I couldn’t stop no matter what, I just couldn’t stop. It didn’t matter what the occasion was, I was unable to live without my new partner Cocaine. I would promise myself I wasn’t going to do it, I would hide my dealers number, I would pray to be clean for one day, but it was no good, it had got me, I was powerless. I remember making so many promises and never keeping one of them.

I thought I had it all under control, I would go to the gym, and not make it past the Car Park. I had to use. Then came the next part of my love affair with the Charlie, me and my best friend cocaine would now stay in and sit in darkness and use just by ourselves, unable to answer a phone, open a letter, get the door, or even be seen at an open window. I was convinced I was being followed, the police must know about my using. I would sit for hours, in a total state of paranoid fear, sweating, staring, and dribbling. I would go to bed as kids went to school and set my alarm for 11am, that’s when my dealer came to work, why? I wanted more pain, more fear more madness. I couldn’t stop for anyone or anything. I’ll give up on Monday, I just never knew which Monday!

It came to the time when the money had run out, the relationship with my wife had gone to the wall, no one trusted me, no one liked me, only my dealer, and I had lost everything I once stood for, I was a mess, a lost little 31 year old boy.

I found the rooms of cocaine anonymous on the Internet, I sent an e-mail and asked for help, some one e-mailed me back, they told me of a “meeting”.

I walked into my first meeting; I was shocked, I thought I was the only one who had no power left. No love in my life, I thought I was the only person who sat in dark rooms peeping out from behind curtains. I thought I was the only human who had lost everything through this terrifying drug disease. I was not; here was a room full of people who were once just like me.

There was something different about the people in the rooms of C.A. they had a twinkle in their eye, a bounce in their step, they had hope, and so much love. I immediately felt part of something, something I had looked for so long in Cocaine.

They told me to “Just keep coming back” so I did, my life has never been the same since, I have a new life filled with sunshine and laughter, a relationship that is full of love and life, a daughter who makes me smile everyday, and career where people actually say to me “well done”

So how does it work? I just turned up, said I was new and kept just “turning up” I surrendered and have never looked back since. I have passed through a triumphant arch to freedom; I know a new life and a new happiness thanks to cocaine Anonymous. Can you have the same? The answer is simple, yes, beyond your wildest dreams, and that is a promise.