My Story

I came from a good family background, although I spent my younger years feeling like my family were dysfunctional, little did I know that the reason it felt dysfunctional was because of me. My parents were loving and I never had to moan for too long to get what I wanted! I could have had a good education had I not been so absorbed in getting people to like me by fooling around and trying to be the centre of attention all the time.  This eventually became my undoing as not being able to back up my claims of being “hard” and not scared of anyone” made me a target for bullies. I was eventually expelled from 3 schools and left the forth as soon as I could. I should add that although I failed art school miserably, my teachers were aware of potential and did try to change me to no avail.

I joined the air cadets when I was 12 and found myself well liked. I achieved many awards and thought that a military lifestyle would suit me because I took so well to taking orders and not really having to think for myself. I stayed with them until I was 16. During this time a couple of people that I knew who were 2/3 years older than me had moved out of home in to flats and bedsits. This seemed like a great opportunity to have some fun, because there would be no parents to say “be in at such a time” or “lights out time for sleep”.  I arranged to go and visit one Friday and when I arrived the flat was full of people all laughing and having a great time. I remember smoking freely inside for the first time and thinking I was the king! A spliff was passed to me and without hesitation I took some hard drags on it not wanting to be the one who refused. This sort of get together continued for around 6 months by which time I had caused a lot of trouble at home with mood swings and spending all my money on drugs. After that first puff on a joint I knew that if I ever felt bad or low, there would be something out there I could use to make me feel better.

I decided to leave home at 16 and moved in with a couple of mates where, for a time things went well. Eventually though the weed started to bore me and I always seemed to feel tired or depressed. I then set about using ecstasy and amphetamine to give me more of a rush. By this time I had a job, a shared flat and lots of friends to enjoy parties, raves and weekends away, I thought I had it all. Eventually work started to suffer and I lost my job. With rent and a lifestyle to upkeep I turned to petty crime, a hobby that eventually got me a lengthy jail sentence. During my time in prison I got some qualifications, got clean and set about designing a new life for myself.

I moved to a city not too far from home and everything went well for a time. Then one weekend after I’d turned eighteen I received a cheque from an insurance company that my father had paid into since the day I was born, I got £5000 and felt like the king again. It was gone in two weeks. Within a couple of months I was on the move again. I found a live in job and moved somewhere totally new, new friends, new life, new start. This went really well for around a year and although drugs would pop up every now and again I had control and thought I had it sorted.

After a few failed relationships with incompatible girls I found the one I thought I could be happy with “the first I ever loved” I moved in with her and again I felt like the king. Things went well for a year or so and by now I was earning good money and going out quite a lot. Eventually I got introduced to cocaine. This was me, a drug that could make me “feel like a king”. I enjoyed the feeling of cocaine so much in those first couple of years and had the best times I’d ever had. It was not to last though and eventually all the other drugs were back in my life and I would stop at nothing once again to get them.

Within the next two years my partner and I had a couple of kids and got a house. Things seemed under control but beneath it all I was using more drugs than ever before, my moods were worse than ever and eventually I lost it all. When I lost my girl and my kids the easiest option for me was to run, so I did. I had been clean again for two whole weeks when a couple of good friends came to visit me for a weekend. Although I thought I was acting normally they both saw straight through me and proceeded to bring me straight home to get help.

The first day back was spent sourcing help for a seemingly helpless man who had nothing more than three bin bags and the clothes on his back. I found cocaine anonymous on the web exactly how you have now, found out the next meeting time and went. I sat in the car for ten minutes shitting myself and trying to work out what to say. I was not religious and worried that this was the god squad. How wrong can you be? I walked in and was made instantly welcome and met people just like me, they seemed fresh and full of hope, two things that I was not. Since that day over three weeks have passed and I have not wanted to use drink or drugs. One day at a time following the suggestions I’ve been given and by phoning people and attending meetings I now know that it is possible to live a good life.  I’ve seen the proof; it’s not all about god it’s about believing in a power greater than yourself. Something in your head told you to take mind altering stuff!! Why not try and find the something in your heart that can tell you not too!!

23 days clean and sober!

Since writing this I have stayed clean and sober for over six months by following the suggestions I was given at my very first meeting and through working the 12 steps in order to get connected to a power greater than myself. It is clear to me now that that power is doing for me what I could not do for myself. I try to practice the principles of cocaine anonymous in all my affairs and life is good today. It’s difficult for me to put into words the changes that I have felt in the way I think and act when I’m with people or on my own. I am fully aware that my higher power will not do for me what I can do for myself and it is this knowledge that keeps me on the spiritual path. My whole outlook on life has changed and god willing long may it continue.

201 days clean and sober!!!

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Updated: 21-Aug-2010

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